Need Spunk? Request Not Found..

Have you ever felt like you give more in a relationship than your partner? Kinda like your partner is giving his/her 100% but you only see it as maybe 45%. You compare everything you do for that person to what little they do for you and then you get depressed. There are times when I feel like he does soooo much for the boys and me...and to be honest he does. When it comes to taking care of us and making sure we have everything we need, he gives 110%...but when it comes to our relationship, he's slacking. I do everything for him, everything he asks even if it's late at night and he wants garlic bread (which I hate with a passion because he rolls over and breathes garlic breath in my face after he's asleep). I know he loves me but we've hit a place in our relationship where we're comfortable. I don't like comfortable. I want excitement, something spontaneous. It would be nice to get flowers every now and then just because he wanted to make me smile. I don't care if they're flowers with the roots still attached that came from my own front yard. The thought would be enough. When we first got together, it was exciting and I felt alive again. I looked forward to every day with him because I knew it would be something new and I would be smiling all day. Now I pretty much know how my days are going to go and I hate it. I don't like repettative shit. It's like groundhog day every day. Most people would look at that as security. They would feel good knowing how their day would go with no surprises to mess it up. Me..I want those surprises..good surprises. I want him to be spontaneous. Make me fall in love with him all over again. I'm 24 years old and I feel like I'm in a 50 year old marriage. Don't get me wrong. I do love him and he does love me. We have our moments where we joke around and have fun. I enjoy those moments but it's the down time that bothers me. It's the times where I feel like he's getting bored with me that I hate..which I'm sure anyone would hate feeling like their partner is bored with them. He says he's not but I want to feel it..not just hear it. I don't expect him to be like the guys in the movies but it would be nice for him to be like he was when we started dating. He would write me love notes, bring me little flowers, or pick up my favorite candy bar just to show me he was thinking about me. Now...well let's just say if that was still happening I wouldn't be writing this blog. What is a girl to do?

Just a blog..

So I'm in class right now. We're not doing anything because it's finals week. I already took my Medical Terminology final...passed it. If..or should I say WHEN I pass my other 2 exams (had to be positive) I will hopefully make President's List for the second quarter. It makes me feel good about myself when I make good grades. I enjoy seeing my name on the list of top achievers. I want to be able to put on my resume that I graduated on the President's List. Do you know how good that will look on my resume? I will be able to impress a potential employer before he/she ever meets me.

Anyway change of subject, father's day is coming up and I'm at a loss for what to get Scottie. He's not complicated to shop for. It's just that he wants so much. lol. If I get him one thing, I know in the back of his mind he probably wanted the other thing more. Oh well. He'll like whatever he gets because that will be one more thing to mark off his list of guy toys. I do plan on grilling out and possibly going swimming. Maybe cater to his every need and make him feel like a king for the day even though he's always catered to. He gets his supper cooked for him every day. He never has to wash his own clothes. I even lay out clothes for him when he takes a shower. I get up and fix him glass after glass after glass of tea. Sometimes when I'm all nice and comfy in the bed, he'll roll over and ask me to make him some toast or a bowl of cereal. I'm talking 11 at night and yes most of the time I do get up and make it. He's spoiled but I love him. I wish I was spoiled.

Well class is almost over. This killed about 10 minutes. Till next time....

chick flicks...BLAH!!!

Why do we feel the way we do about relationships? Some people feel like they own the other person. Some people feel they should have an open relationship and let each other do whatever as long as it's a "don't ask, don't tell" kinda thing. Some don't believe in relationships at all. We're all different. One thing's for sure..sappy love movies or "chick flicks" as I call them are not true at all! Nothing in those damn movies ever happens and if it does then the guy already saw the movie and thought he'd pull one off to get laid. Why can't there be a movie that actually makes sense? One that shows a true relationship in all its ups and downs and turn-arounds? Throw some real life dealings in there...no fairy dust to make it all better. Something real that shows what real women and men go through to make a relationship work or show their failure. Not every love story has a happy ending damn it. Hollywood..GET A GRIP! Give us something we actually want to watch. Grab us by our heartstrings. Stop filling women up with expectations of a "man like that." Until I find a movie that makes me "feel" it..I could give a shit less about chick flicks. They all suck!

Now I will admit my fiance is a nice guy. He definitely has his moments of sweetness...nothing near the movies but it's sweet in his own way. I am happy most of the time, but if I were to watch those movies and expect him to magically turn into a Romeo, I would be sadly disappointed. My expectation and standard level would be so high, no man would dare to even try to touch it. That's why I hate chick flicks. They suck suck suck suck suck suck!

That's about it for now....no wait...THEY SUCK!

School, Friends, Kids, Oh my...

I had class today. I don't know if I mentioned that I'm attending Virginia College to get my certification as a Pharmacy Technician. I just literally heard a radio ad for the school, called and was enrolled within 2 days. My fiance was totally supportive of me going to school. So far the school has worked with me on my school schedule. My first semester I was going 4 days a week which was a little hard because of gas prices. It takes me between 30 and 45 minutes to get to school depending on traffic. My 2nd semester I've been going 3 days a week, and my upcoming 3rd semester I'll be going 2 days a week. My schedule works out great for me and my boys. I can arrange their doctor's appointments around the schedule, I'm not losing much time with them. I look at it this way. I'll graduate in March of next year, and I'll have a certification for a great paying job with benefits. I can provide a better future for my family.

I've made one really good friend. The first 8 weeks of school I didn't talk to anyone. I'm the type who doesn't talk to someone unless they talk to me first..unless I'm just in a really good mood. After 8 weeks she came to sit next to me so I could help her study and pull her grade up. After a week of her sitting next to me she told me she's gay. Doesn't bother me. I have no problem with anyone's sexuality. It's their own preference. It actually made me want to be her friend even more because she opened up to me after only a week. A lot of people here don't open up about their sexuality because we're in the bible belt. It took me a while to even admit to myself that I am attracted to women. Yes I have had experiences. My fiance and I have talked about my sexuality and he accepts me as I am although lately he has seemed to not want me to have any experiences with other women. Maybe he's wanting me to himself and that's fine with me. I don't have to be with another woman. I can still be attracted to women and not act on it. I'm more attracted to my fiance than any woman. I guess I kinda got off the subject of my friend...
well her name is Makeba and she is awesome. We have so much in common. She's never had a close white friend. I've had african american friends but not close enough for me to open up to them until her. She's so easy to talk to and to both our surprise we feel the same about a lot of stuff. We instantly clicked and there hasn't been a day that we haven't talked to each other since. It's so nice to find someone u can confide in and know they won't judge u. I have another friend like that. Her name is Val. We've been friends for 10 years. She's my soul sister, my "friday night ho" as we call each other...no we haven't done anything..it's just a cute joke between us. She's been there for me through so much. After she joined the Navy we drifted apart a little but we're sticking it out. We still talk and chat on yahoo. I keep up with her blog..she keeps up with mine. Our oldest boys are 3 months apart. Mine's older ha ha! She also has a son who will be 3 in November, and I have a son who just turned 1 in March. We talk about raising boys and how wonderful it is to clean them all the time, break up fights, listen to them scream, and show their brotherly love to one another by hitting the other upside the head with a toy. Yea..boys are great..lol. I really want a girl.

When I found out I was pregnant with my first son I was so excited. I always wanted a boy, and I got one! When I got pregnant with my second baby I was hoping for a girl. I got another boy. It took me a couple of days to let the news of another boy sink in but as soon as it did I was all over the baby stuff. I was finding everything boyish because I had given my sister all my oldest son's stuff when she had a boy herself. I was excited about Dylan being an older brother and having a younger brother. I thought to myself "he won't have to deal with a sister getting her barbies in the way of his transformers." So now I have my two boys and they are a blessing. Yes they're a handful..maybe more than a handful at times but I wouldn't trade either one of them for anything. My fiance and I have talked about having another baby, but we want to wait until I graduate and get set in a job. That would make our kids 3 years apart each. Even though Dylan is not biologically his child he doesn't treat him any different so any time I talk about us as a family I refer to the boys as "our kids." I'm lucky to have found a man who took up with Dylan like he did and Dylan took up with him. Scottie (my fiance) loves Dylan like he was his own. Dylan loves him too, but he doesn't call him "Daddy." He calls his biological father "Daddy" and he calls Scottie "Scottie." So he knows the difference. I said from the beginning I would not confuse him and I haven't. He has called Scottie "Daddy" a couple of times and afterwards he came up to me and asked me if that was ok. I told him it was his choice what he wanted to call Scottie. I told him he did not have to call him Daddy if he didn't want to. So to this day there is no confusion on his behalf about who his daddy is and who Scottie is.

I love my patched family.

Rough Day? Need a Remote?

Last night was rough as well as today. My youngest son was bit by some type of insect and had an allergic reaction to it so that was one trip to the ER. Last night he barely slept. He would sleep for about 20 minutes then scream for an hour. It was heartbreaking and tiresome. I couldn't really get mad at him for crying all night because he's a baby. It's his way of communicating that something's wrong. This morning was the second trip to the ER. He refused to eat, was constipated, pale, running a fever, still crying and screaming, and was literally inconsolable. They did a chest and stomach x-ray, talked to me and his dad, took his temp under the arm and rectally, and pushed all over his little belly. The result: his metabolism isn't fast enough to digest the protein from whole milk therefore it builds up and causes painful constipation. He has to drink soy milk now and we have to watch his diet. Basically not too much protein until his metabolism builds up more. My little man looks so pitiful. One minute he's crying, then he has a burst of energy, then he's back to crying and cringing in pain. As a mother, I feel helpless because I can only do so much. Medication only does so much. With him being a baby there's not a lot he can be given. He has literally been passed between his dad, great-grandmother, and myself. When one has given all they can he gets passed to the next one in line. We're doing everything we can to keep him comfortable and help with his pain. I hope it's not something further than constipation because this has been going on since he got off formula and on whole milk. The doctor said he's not lactose intolerant though. I'm hoping it'll clear up and he'll be back to his normal energized smiling self.

My oldest boy has been on the rampage today. Everything has apparently been pissing him off. He's been snappy, impatient, moody, and a little aggressive. It's 10 pm and I have yet to get him to lay down. When it comes to bedtime he used to be so easy to make go to sleep. Now I'm lucky to get him to sleep by 11. He makes every excuse to get up. "I need something to drink." "I'm hungry." "I need to watch TV." "I need to go potty." It never fails...come 3 AM he's coming to my room wanting to sleep in my bed. I wish raising children was easy. They need to come with a remote and a manual.

That would be nice...but too easy.

My First Blog...

So i'm new at this..to start I'm a 24 year old mother of 2 wonderful boys. Joseph Dylan is 4 years old and Bradley Cade is 14 months. I'm divorced from the father of my first son (Dylan) and am engaged to the father of my second son (Bradley). I'm currently attending college so I can provide for my family better. With a college education and certification, I have a career ahead of me and security for my family.

My fiance is a wonderful man who does everything he can to keep the boys and me happy. We have our ups and downs but who doesn't? It's called a relationship which means it's not perfect. Anyone who says they have a "perfect" relationship is lying. Perfect would mean no arguing, no disagreeing, no faults at all between either one of them....umm...yea..that's impossible. Everyone argues even if it's a little 5 second argument about who gets the remote. I think a little fuss every now and then keeps the relationship alive. You learn something new about the person you're with every time you argue. You learn their pet peeves and dislikes..especially if it's about you..lol.

My boys are...boys. They do boy things like play in the dirt, throw things, fight for no apparent reason, try to perform tricks on anything that has wheels or dare I say at least one working wheel. My oldest son is a true rocker. He loves Kid Rock, Nickleback, and Hinder. He stands out in a crowd of kids because of his bright blue eyes, strawberry blonde hair, electric personality, and it could be the fact that he's 4 years old and a little over 3 1/2 feet tall. lol. He loves to find "girlfriends". Every little blonde-haired, blue-eyed girl he comes across is his girlfriend. He loves to jump on the trampoline and do what he calls back-flips even though it's just him rolling over. He always makes me laugh with the things that come out of his mouth. I never know what he's going to say next. He has been diagnosed with ADHD but I have my doubts about that. He's only 4. Yes he's aggressive, stubborn, sometimes hard to get along with, and has tons and tons of energy...again..he's 4 years old. I know a lot of parents disagree when the doctor tells them their child is ADHD. I tried their medications..didn't do anything but make him act like an emotional pregnant woman. Literally my child gained 10 pounds in one month. Yes I was extremely pissed off. I looked up ADHD on Web MD and found something that sounds more like my son. It's called ODD (Oppositional Defiant Disorder). Does that mean I want him medicated? No. It means I have to be more patient with him, praise him more for his good behavior, and love him no less. Medication may be a bridge to cross later but right now I'm taking him off meds and working with him one on one. No offense to parents who have medicated their children. If your child needs the medication then so be it, but I've personally seen that medication does nothing to my child but hurt him. I feel he may have been misdiagnosed. ADHD is one of the most commonly diagnosed disorder in children. A lot of it is because teachers don't want to deal with a child who may misbehave more in class or the parents don't want to have to deal with their behavior anymore so they dope them up to get through the day. Again no offense to the parents who have legitimate ADHD children. Change of subject..my youngest son, Bradley, is 14 months old and is very, very energetic. He's got such a charming personality. He has brown hair and brown eyes just like his daddy. He's definitely a daddy's boy. Every time he cries, it's for "DaDa". He's learning new words such as uh-oh, ball, dog, eat, and he learned our puppy's name. He runs around saying "Tink Tink". lol. Right now he's being a little cranky. He had an allergic reaction to an insect bite and it's making it hard for him to sleep. Since he's a daddy's boy he's wanting his daddy and only his daddy. His father is good with him. He just recently started helping me out more with him. You know how most men are with babies. They like to see them smile and play but open up a diaper and they run. I guess he realized that between going to school, taking care of the kids, trying to keep the house clean, cooking, and trying to get more than a few hours of sleep, I needed a little more help than what he was giving. He stepped up and I feel much better. A little bit of the weight has been lifted. I actually get to go to the store ALONE sometimes. I know that sounds not important but it is when you rarely get time to yourself. My showers are the most precious alone time I get. It's my "wash everything down the drain" time. At the end of the day, I get my shower, curl up next to my love, and sleep for a limited time. lol.

Well, I guess that's about enough for one blog. My first blog! So was it worth the reading??? (Dare I ask)